The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
