she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
