Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
