Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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