he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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