How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
