I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize