i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
