I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
