youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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