toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
