I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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