Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
