Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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