Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
