She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
