I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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