Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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