This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
