ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
