tell your sister to shave her snatch
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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