Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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