i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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