Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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