dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
