I wish I could teleport
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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