Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
