idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
