a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
