I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
