I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
