OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize