You can't motorboat a personality
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
