Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
