you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
