I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
