it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
