He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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