dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
