Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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