HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize