Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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