I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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