Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
