i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
