I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
