Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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