is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
