i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
