i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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