So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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