Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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