Umm I'm too high to move.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize