just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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