You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
