I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
