i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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