boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
