If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
