Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
