Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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