ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
