I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
