my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
