I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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