You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize