i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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